Dear Mom - Catherine's Diaries
by BritCroft
Summary: After her mom died Catherine's life changed completely. Missing her mom dearly she writes a diary adressing each entry to her mother, as a letter trying desperatly to keep some sort of contact with the most important person in her world.
1. Chapter 1

**DEAR MOM.**

_**Catherine's Diaries**_

**DISCLAMER**, _i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show._

**A/N : So in Collection I wrote a one shot letter (chapter 5) And … here is the series. - No need to read this one first though, cause I'm going to start from the start, and the letter in Collection is at the time of the pilot.**

**This is Cat's diary. Let's start ... from the start shall we !**

* * *

_Dear Mom, _

_It's been almost a year. _

_And I still have nightmares. Often I close my eyes I see them, I hear the gunshot and I remember the pain I felt that night._

_I miss you so much. I am so lost without you. I don't think Heather and Dad understand. I was THERE._

_Dad insists that I keep going to see that shrink lady. I don't like her. I don't like to talk to strangers and even if it's been almost a year, she still is a stranger to me. Most of the time when I go I don't talk much._

_But this week she said something, and I don't know … for once I didn't roll my eyes. It sounded like a good idea. Though right now I feel like an idiot. She suggested that I would write a diary but to you. As if I was telling you about my life. She said I needed to share my feelings with someone and since … well … I'm not talking to her and I don't want to burden dad or Heather, they also have to deal with their own pain. And … That guy I was dated … I never could talk to him and we broke up anyway. I don't know why I'm writing that, who cares ! Plus you didn't like him, I remember you telling me to be careful with whom I give my heart to. I guess you were right, he was not worth it. But yeah, so when she talked about that diary thing I kinda thought it could be a good idea. A way to get things out of my system you know ? _

_So I bought this notebook. It's huge ! So many pages … I don't know if I'll really fill them all. I don't really think I could sit down every night before going to bed to write. So I'll see. Cause … sometime I'm not even sure I know how I feel, so how would I put that in words ..._

_I really feel like an idiot writing that because I know you'll never read it. _

_And there go the tears. _

_I cry so often ... I kept hiding in corners to sob … I hate that about me. _

_I dropped out law school. I'm trying to become a cop. Well I just started. I'm at the academy for like … a week now. So far I like it. The hard part was getting in. I prepared for month to be ready for the physical test, I took many classes of self defense, and I was going to the gym all the time. I guess … it also helped to be busy. _

_I don't know how dad feels about all that. He tries to be supportive but I know he worries about me. The day I told him … I had already started to get ready for that, and when I told him about my plans, he asked me why I wanted to be a cop and I didn't answer, I just said that I thought I would like it and be good at it. Truth is, I want to make sure that there won't be a next time. I learning how to fight and defend myself. I will never be a victim again. (It took weeks for the shrink to make me say that once I decided to quit law and I still didn't say it to dad, I don't want him to worry). Once I'll be done with the academy my job will be to protect people. And I'll make sure that no-one loses their mother under my watch._

_I'm being melodramatic._

_So that was the first page of that notebook. The shrink said it's not necessary to write daily, but that I should write when I feel the need to. Otherwise it wouldn't be efficient or something. I guess she realized forcing me to do something is not a good idea !_

_I don't know how to end this … this is ridiculous … Should I sign ? Like a real letter … I'm the only one that's going to access this anyway and I know I wrote it._

_So … _

* * *

**A/N : So ? Liking it so far ? I don't imagine her writing everyday, not right away at least. I guess … I feel like I have some character trait in common with Catherine, and I feel like I wouldn't write everyday. So … Let's see where that takes us !**


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**

* * *

_Dear mom _

_This is the anniversary, the FIRST anniversary._

_I don't really feel like writing much, but … since it's the first anniversary I thought maybe I'd regret not putting something here. I don't know …_

_Oh and Heather had an idea, she said that when you died you were born to the stars, so tonight we will celebrate you. Your celestial birthday she calls this. I guess this will be a thing each year. Dad liked the idea. My shrink too actually, she said it might help us all cope. I don't know. Anyway Heather will order your favorite pizza and dad said he had found some of your old cds, your favorite songs. _

_I'm not sure I want to do this, I know it will be hard not to cry and … I don't like when people see me cry, especially dad and Heather. She … she think I'm so strong, and … maybe I'm not._

_I have to go or I'll be late so I think that's all for today._

_I miss you so much._

_I love you Mom._

* * *

**A/N : well that was short … like it ?**


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**

* * *

_Dear Mom, _

_I haven't written in that notebook in months but today I told the shrink about my nightmares again. _

_Yeah I had a nightmare AGAIN last night. Still the same. Or very similar anyway._

_No-one believes me about what I saw. The doctor, and even the police that night said it was probably post traumatic stress. And that shrink agrees. But since I keep bringing up that I saw a beast she said I should maybe write about it. Since I obviously am not telling her exactly how I feel and she knows that … she says on paper I'll censure myself less and will be able to get it out. So I'm going to try to explain to you what I saw that night you …_

_I remember running and I think I tripped. I hurt my head, that I'm sure. I had a few stitches, though the scar … we barely see it anymore. And then they were here. They were standing so close to me and one of them extended his gun and … I really thought it was it. Sometimes in my nightmares I see them with red eyes and fangs, but … I know this is just the nightmare, I know they were just men I saw them, though I don't remember their faces clearly. Anyway, when one of them was pointing his gun at me I think I closed my eyes, I was so scared and I kept thinking of you and I really felt like I was next … but … next thing I saw … shadows, and I heard grunts, almost like an animal and in seconds they were dead. And he or it … was standing staring at me. I couldn't see much in the shadows, but he had a body that looked quite human I don't know how to explain. His face was … how can I even describe that, distorted, he looked scary but … I was not scared, not anymore I felt relieved … safe even ... he had just … it (how to put it ?) had just saved my life. Oh my god I … just ... Tell me I'm not crazy !_

_Of course I'm crazy, I'm writing a letter to my dead mother and asking for an answer ? What kind of crazy is that ? _

_It's only once he left that the reality hit me, about you I mean … cause … I know what I saw, it wasn't my imagination ! He .. it … was here and saved me. He saved me. But only then, once he was long gone ... I started to mourn you._

_I WAS saved by a beast, this can't be that it was just a wild animal or i'd be dead too right ? Here again … asking questions as if I'm going to get answers. But … nobody believes me and it's killing me._

_Each time I have this nightmares … I keep seeing you fall when you were shot, I hear myself sob, I … I smell the blood … Everytime I have that nightmare I re-live the scene so … vividly … Sometime the pain is so intense I wake up in sweat … almost screaming and most of the time fighting for air to breath ! But … the nights I manage to stay in it long enough to see that beast … I relax. I still feel the pain in my heart, the pain of losing you, as if it was that day all over again, but at least the fear is gone. And … _

_I must sound crazy. _

_I wonder if it will ever get easier. Cause it's still not. It hurts. I miss you and I feel … helpless. And people make me feel … crazy and weak … And … _

_I don't know how long it will last … will I ever get over all this ? Will I ever be able to be happy again ? Will I ever be able to … … heal ?_

_I need you so much_

* * *

**A/N : Funny that some asked about the beast ! I had actually mostly written this already … I too wanted to talk about the beast ! Especially since Cat can't seem to share about it/him to anyone.**

**Poor Cat … Reviews pretty please ?**


	4. Chapter 4

_**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**_

* * *

_Dear Mom,_

_I sat here several times looking at the blank page and wondering what to write, or if I should. I don't really know what I should say. I could tell you I had that nightmare again. Or that I was pissed after seeing the shrink, or that I cried in the bathroom the other day. But that happen so often I feel it would be repetitive at some point._

_Yet every night when I go to bed I look at the drawer in which this little notebook is and … I don't know what to do. I realize it's been another few months since the last entry. Tonight I read what I wrote, only three entries … when I realized how little I had said that made me sad. We used to be so close and I used to tell you everything ! EVERYTHING. You were always there for me. You knew all about me and how I felt, I was never able to hide anything from you and now … I'm not even able to write anything, I don't even know where to start and … I don't …_

_This is just so stupid. You won't read that you're … dead … _

_I never said this word, I never wrote it before, it's painful. We usually say "she left us", or "she is watching us from above" or "she is no longer with us", or some of those … but we never say that word. Yet that's the truth. You're dead, you won't read that, you'll never even know I'm writing this, you'll never know anything about my life anymore. I'm never going to be able to ask you for advices … never again._

_Now I'm alone. _

_The shrink lady thought this diary would help, and I thought too but it's not. Everytime I look at it, wondering if I should write or not it reminds me you're gone. And then … I cry. I try not to but …_

_..._

_..._

_I know I need to talk to someone, but … I don't have anyone to share that with. I don't talk much to dad. I don't feel like it. When he tries to talk about the nightmares and asks how I'm feeling and I don't know what to say because I know he doesn't believe that there was this … beast. And he knows I hate to see a shrink but insists that I go. By the way, it's no longer that old woman that I mentioned previously. I see a man, he is a bit younger, I think he is not 40 yet but not far, and I'll see him again tomorrow (I don't know why I wrote that) All that to say, I don't know what to say to dad. I don't want him to worry about me. And … he clearly doesn't understand, it's exhausting to try to explain. So, I guess I just gave up._

_And Heather … I don't know what to tell her. She wants us to be close, I can feel it ! She talks about the boys in school and all. Sometimes she asks me for advices. Yeah because I'm her big sister, but … I would have to learn from her ! I don't talk to anyone, I don't know how to let anyone talk to me. But I think she is happy. She misses you, she still misses you but she is stronger than me I guess. Though she expect me to be the strong one. That's also why I can't talk about the nightmares and all, I have to stay strong for her, I think she needs me to be strong so she can be strong too. So I created this facade, I look strong hoping I make it easier for her. _

_She overcomes sadness by deciding to be happy. I don't know how she does that, but it seems to work for her. But I can't do that. I tried, but ... it never lasts._

_She has a boyfriend by the way, I don't like him much and neither does dad, but that's dad right ? I don't know why I don't like him much but … maybe I'm just over protective, she's my baby sister. And … I guess I don't really trust anyone anymore … but she seems happy. I'll keep an eye on him though._

_.._

_..._

_I'm tired, my eyes are closing so I guess that's all for today. .. I LOVE YOU_

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**A/N : Ok Cat is realizing that she needs to share ! That's a step right ?**

**Reviews ? *puppy eyes***


	5. Chapter 5

_**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**_

**A/N : here comes a LONG entry, Cat is trying to really get herself into that diary thingy ! (this is the day after)**

* * *

_Dear Mom,_

_That shrink guy, he is not that bad. I prefer him, though … I still hate the idea of being forced to talk to people I don't even know … Whatever. I mentioned the diary, the letters … And he said it's a great idea but when I told him how little I had written in such a long time he told me that it would not help if I wasn't letting it help. I don't get exactly what he meant … But whatever._

_I told him that I didn't know what to write because sometime it just feels so silly and … _

_It's annoying cause I don't know how I'm suppose to take this. Do I need to pretend that you will read them, like you were living far away and we were sending each others letters … or do I need to pretend you see me from where you are and just … just talk to you like you already know everything that is happening and I can just randomly rant about my feelings ? Ask for advices … That would feel silly too cause … you won't answer. I think that's my problem I know you won't answer and that is killing me cause I need you to answer, I need your advices, I need your reassuring smile, I need to hear your voice … I need you, Mom I miss you so much._

_..._

_..._

_So I explained that to the shrink._

_And I told him that … I used to tell you so much and that the lack of entries in that … diary … made me sad. He said that maybe I was feeling like I was losing the connection we used to have. Of course I am … you're dead ! That's really stupid. And … pretending you're not dead is only going to mess with my head. (He agreed on that). He said that I should see this diary as a way for me to still be able to share how I feel. He thinks that I do not write because I overthink about how to take that diary and how people would think of me or stuffs like that … Oh and also because there was a huge break between the moment you … died … and the moment I started this diary. Like you missed something and that maybe the first step with the diary was to fill that gap._

_I didn't really answer that, and that was the end of the session anyway. But thinking about it now, now that I'm not in his office anymore I guess he is sorta right … Maybe I need to catch up with you … well make you catch up … there is nothing new with you obviously. _

_I'm going to try. _

_..._

_I don't know why I write all that, all his explanations … maybe it helps, maybe this way they sink in my head or something. _

_I need you. I need to feel better. I'm tired of being so sad and … weak. I really feel weak and I hate that feeling more than anything else._

_I still feel a bit silly writing this … Sure I need to share my feelings but the concept of sharing is that there is someone in the other end … and … as much as I want to … I know you're not there. Yet I keep writing this addressing to you. This is confusing._

_I hear your voice … in my head. Telling me I think too much ! You were always telling me this !_

_When the skrink told me that I think I gasped because I thought about you and all the times you told me that. When that guy had invited me to the movies and I was wondering what to wear, and if he was into me or if it was just friendly, what he would think if I was wearing a dress … If my make up made me look like I was trying to hard … _

_Or that time I had to organize that thing in high school … gosh even choosing the decoration I was overthinking, wondering how people would understand the choice of color, or the size of the glasses ... how silly I was worrying for details, so stupid details ... but you were here, helping me, telling me I was thinking too much and ... _

_I miss you so much, I need your guidance, I'm lost without you. _

_I know I think too much !_

_I should just write whatever comes to my mind and stop thinking so much !_

_Think think think … I keep writing that word !_

_..._

_..._

_..._

_OK ! Stop thinking, just WRITE ! So … on with that year and a half … it's already 11pm, I should go to bed, but … now that I'm here … Let's do this ! Maybe next time I'll write it will be easier, more natural … maybe I'll stop thinking so much (and writing that damn word a hundred time too !)_

_Where do I start ? I went to live home with dad for a little while after … that night. For a week I didn't go to class. And when I came back all my friends, they looked at me with pity. I hated that, I hated that so much. They made me feel fragile, and … I don't want to be that. I want to be a strong and independent woman, just like you, I always wanted that ... and I feel like those men took that away from me when they killed you. They made me a scared little girl without a mother. I HATE THEM _

_Living on campus then was hard, because of the look of people … everybody there knows and I hate that so much. It was all over the news, especially local news. That picture ... that damn picture in the front page of me, lost ... sad ... desperate ... i HATE it ... it's a constant reminder of that night, and that feeling of emptiness I have ever since.. I spent so much time in the ladies room crying, and then trying to hide the tears so people would not know. _

_Oh and remember Dimitri ? (I'm doing that thing again … stop thinking Cat just WRITE) We broke up pretty quick. Only a few weeks after all that. I already wrote that … Yeah I totally wrote that ! Whatever he waited but I guess I just … I don't know … Maybe it's my fault. Lizzie told me that he was an ass and that he should have been supportive, but I think it's my fault cause I closed myself. I was not talking much, and I was not going out, I just couldn't bear being around people. I would not let anyone in, ... But … how do you let people in when you know how cruelly they can be taken away._

_Oh no … rereading this sentence it seems I'm blaming you for that … I don't … I … _

_FOCUS CAT, it's late, I need to finish, I want to !_

_After a month I guess, I started to go to self defense classes. I went to see first because … That look on people faces, I'm not fragile ok ! I just want to be sure I can defend myself and not rely on a mysterious … beast. I can't seem to get him or it (I don't know) out of my head. I keep having nightmares. But … sometimes it's not really nightmares, and not of that night, sometime I just see him like he is protecting me, he just stands and look at me, and … those are the easiest nights I get. I don't know I must be crazy, anyone would be scared to death seeing that face staring down … I mean … he does look like a monster but ... Whatever, I was saying that I wanted to know how to defend myself. And the instructor is just great ! I still go to the classes from time to time. On my way to the gym I just stop by to say hi and I help for the demonstrations. His name is Bryan and he was a soldier and he is so tall and muscular, really he is HUGE … makes me think of Michael Jordan ! (well … he is not that tall but he does kinda look like him … sorta … a shorter version … but still … compare to anyone else I know he is so tall, and given how tiny I am ... ) ! And he said that with all he taught me, I could take him down ! I doubt that but … I am tough now. I wish I could show you._

_And then I started to look for information to become a detective. Maybe because of the law aspect too. I don't know it seemed like something I would be good at. I wanted to be a lawyer to help put bad guys behind bars and I can do that as a detective too and I would also feel … stronger … And I could also be here to prevent the bad from happening … not just cleaning the mess once it happened … know what I mean ? (ughtguh … )_

_So I looked for info and started to go more often to the gym and all and then I did all I could to get ready to enter the academy. And now I'm in … And that I'm proud ! Yet there I'm the small one ! I know I'm not very tough, no matter how much I trained to get in I'm among the weak for physical training. But I'm not giving up on that ! I keep going to the gym (and Bryan helps a lot !) I also go extra hours to the library studying law and criminology and anything I can find. I am determined. Maybe it's also a way to distract myself … I don't know … I keep busy ..._

_The mockeries of some of the guys keep me going ! I just want to show them I'm good enough for that. They mostly mock me cause I'm a girl … there aren't many girls there. Not that I befriended any anyway. _

_I guess I feel better on my own for now._

_It will take a while to become a detective, once I'll be done with the academy I'll have to work for 2 or 3 years as an officer to be able to apply for being a detective but I know I can do this. And I'm working really hard for that. I think dad is proud. He still is a bit scared for me, and my abrupt decision to become a cop ... I think he still didn't get it, but he sees that I'm seriously working and he is happy to see that. I'm sure you'd be proud too. _

_..._

_..._

_It's so late … I need rest, I have to get up early tomorrow. I'll try to write again soon, weirdly enough … I do feel like … like old times, like we just are … connected again. I'm actually smiling right now, and that's rare that I smile, especially when i'm alone and about to go to bed._

_Maybe dad is right to force me to go see those shrinks afterall ! Don't tell him that … (well you won't but … I won't let him near that notebook !)_

_I love you._

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**A/N :Ok I'm no expert on how to become a cop, I checked a few things and I'll rely on that, but if you know something I don't know feel free to tell me and I'll try to correct. I want it to be realist so … Sorry if this is not right. I quickly read a few stuffs but it wasn't very precise.**

**Are you liking it ? Tell me how you feel it might help me in the writing !**


	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**

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_Dear Mom, _

_Only a week since the last entry ! See I am trying ! I've been very busy this week, which is good, this way I have no time to be sad._

_..._

_I actually hesitated to write this. I was wondering if I would have told you that if you had been .. alive... but ... I mean I would have, but maybe not everything. I wouldn't have wanted to worry you. So I don't know if I should tell you all of it or ... OVERTHINKING ! again ..._

_Since the shrink said I should share, I'm just going to share ok ? Let's do that. And ... I would not want you to worry and there is nothing to worry about anyway. _

_..._

_..._

_I went out last night ! With Lizzie. Yeah we are still in contact even now that I'm at the academy. We don't get to see each other much, but she really is supportive and … she's been great really !_

_She tried to make me go to parties … for a while ! Last night I gave in !_

_And I really didn't want to go, I felt like I would get bored easily and just hate it. But she didn't listen. She came to my place (Oh I should tell you a bit about that little apartment of mine !) and she brought some clothes and shoes with her. (seriously it looked like she was moving in !) She said she didn't trust my sense of fashion, something about me not going out for so long that I wouldn't know what is "fashion" anymore ! (thank you Lizzie … brutally honest I guess !)._

_Anyway, she lent me this cute lime green dress that I wore with one of my leather jackets (yeah now I have more … ) the one dad hated so much (needless to say he didn't really like when I bough some more and started to wear them ! I don't know it makes me look more like … I don't know I feel better wearing those !) Back to the dress. Lizzie wanted me to wear some of her shoes too but I refused ! I couldn't imagine myself dance or even just walk with 3 inches for all the night … she had made it clear I would have to stay more than an hour. Anyway, I just wore some cute flat black shoes. And I really looked nice. I liked it. I felt pretty._

_And she looked so fabulous in that fuchsia dress of hers, it was very tight and sexy, but not that short and she wore a dark brown jacket on top, her blond hair looked wonderful resting on her shoulders really beautiful. When we were on the way she kept saying we would be the most beautiful at the party (she didn't really use that word ... she said the hottest, here is a detail I wouldn't have told you ... but ... hey I'm a grown up right ? and you trust me, so I could tell you right ? ... whatever!)_

_Once we got there I actually managed to have fun. She introduced me to some friends of hers and we danced. I wasn't very talkative but at least I didn't avoid them like I usually do with … well any kind of people. I didn't drink much by the way … I know you would ask ! I had one Mojito, JUST ONE. I loooove those ! But I swear, only one._

...

_And there was a guy. Feels a bit weird to write about that actually. I am still wondering how much to tell you ! But … I don't know. He is cute. Very cute ! Quite tall, dark hair. He was wearing a Tshirt from the Clash ! I engaged the conversation on that, though … I don't know much about that band, I mean ... beside their song "should I stay or should I go" that i know by heart ! But … MOM ! I initiated the conversation. I actually went to him and talked ! Me that has been avoiding any form of contact with people ever since … Well … I do talk to people but … I hope you realize how big this is ! Well … you would … (overthinking again … I can't help it... I swear one day I'll get rid of that !)_

_So, yeah it's big, but I have to admit a thing … Lizzie pushed me ! She bet $10 that I wouldn't go … I guess I have a too developed competitive side … but the important is that I did it._

_In the end, not only did I leave this party with the phone number of a cute guy (that was nice, though with the loud music we didn't talk that much) but I got the 10 bucks too ! I won afterall ! Really Lizzie was right to push me. I mentioned that bet to the shrink, he laughed but said that it was great that I did it. It's a step !_

_Now I don't know if I should call him. It was nice … but … what do I say ? I would need your advices right now._

_Though … I don't know if … _

_He doesn't really seem like the kind of guy you or dad would like so much._

...  
...

_Whatever the important is that I managed to have fun, and to not push people away, that's a huge step for me. Maybe … just maybe I won't be sad forever. I hope._

...  
...

_I still miss you VERY much … and your advices. I keep wondering what you would think of him, and what you'd tell me to do._

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**A/N : Ok trying to put some events in her life lol ! Ahah ! How do you like that ? Please review !**


	7. Chapter 7

_**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**_

* * *

_Dear Mom,_

_HE CALLED ME !_

_I feel like I'm 15 again, like that time that guy asked me out to the movies ! remember ?_

_I hadn't given him my number but Lizzie did ... Apparently she did not trust that I would make, and I quote "good use" of that phone number ! Anyway, he called because he wanted to invite me out ! TONIGHT !_

_So I called Lizzie in emergency, she'll bring some dresses again, I told her not to take any shoes, but I know she won't listen and try to bring some high heel again ! (I really should buy myself some dresses, at the academy I always wear jeans and some blouses with my leather jackets, I don't have anything to look like a girl my age ... well anyway ..)_

_So while I wait for her to come, since I'm anxious ... I thought I would share with you ..._

_His name is Jason, and ... he plays in a band, the bass ! That's why he asked me out, his band has a gig in a bar of New York tonight ! I'm so exited ! He doesn't know anything about what happened to me, so he doesn't look at me with pity like ... like most people ... I love that I get to have him look at me like I'm a cute girl he'd like to date and not like a poor little girl that need a pat on the shoulder._

_Also, Liz is coming with me, so no need to worry, and I won't drink ! I PROMISE ! I'm only going there for the music and ... hopefully I'll get to hang out with that cute guy again._

_..._

_Liz is knocking, got to go ! I'll tell you tonight how it went !_

_..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_That was really great ! the band is really good, I was expecting some amateurism a bit, but gosh they are good ! Pretty sure you would have not liked though, it was ... well ... he had a tshirt of the Clash first time I met him so you can guess the kind of music ! _

_Liz and I danced a lot, well ... jumped (good I didn't let her convince me to wear heels, and by the way ... I'm pretty sure she regretted to wear some herself) And now it's VERY late and I'm exhausted, thank god tomorrow is sunday, so I can sleep !_

_After their show he bought me a drink (I took a soda, told you I wouldn't drink) and we managed to talk a bit while Lizzie was chatting with some other guys of the band. I don't know how she does that, she talks to people so easily ! Anyway, I told him it would be nice to see each-other once somewhere less crowded (At some point I was suffocating. I'm trying hard not to show it, but it is hard sometime to be surrounded by so many people ... I guess ... I'm not ... I don't know) He agreed so ... I'll wait for his call ! I'm really exited, it's the first guy I'm hanging with since Dimitri._

_God, i really need to sleep._

_. . . Mom I wish I could tell you all that in person ! ... I ... I love you, and I need your advices, and your ... I ..._

_. But you would want me happy, and right now ... I think I'm on my way to be !_

_. . I miss you so much_

* * *

**AN : What do you think of that guy ? Should he stay or should he go ? LOL ahah ! I'm laughing at my own jokes, I'm hilarious LOL (so not)**

BTW, Sorry for the dots, I can't really make large space to signify that she doesn't write always right on the edge of the page. Ugh , I don't know how to do that here. I'll see.

_**Reviews pretty please dearies.**_


	8. Chapter 8

_**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**_

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_Dear Mom,_

_I hate myself so much ... _

_I spent so much time pushing people away, not trusting anyone, always being on my guard and all ... and ... how could I be this stupid ? HOW ? I didn't even tell Lizzie ... I was ... am ... (still am) so ashamed that I was so naive ! I felt like maybe I could be happy, and I let my guard down ... error, FATALE ERROR, I regret so much !_

_How I wish I could run to your arms and cry on your shoulder. When I came home I cried so much and ... I hesitated to write ! I'm not sad, no ... i'm angry ! Mostly at myself but not only ! _

_..._

_He called me ... tonight when I got home from my day at the academy he called and invited me over, for a drink. How stupid and naive ... I should know better ! AHRILhzdofho_

_I went, all smiling and happy, Pretty and everything. And ... he tried to kiss me. It was nice, but … at some point I was uncomfortable and I pushed him a bit away ... I mean, kiss ok, but I wasn't ready for ... I can't write that. Anyway, I pushed him gently away saying I'd rather take my time, go slow, and he almost looked pissed but he didn't force me or anything. I just felt suddenly trapped and more and more uncomfortable. And ... at some point he told me something like "What did you expect ?" and he started making fun of me for being a prude or something. And … well let's just say it's not the only word he used to describe me, and I'm so not writing those … plus it's not very coherent with the prude thing. Anyway I said I had to go, and her just said something like "yeah right don't come back" and didn't even walk me out of his apartment or anything. _

_God, what was I expecting ? I know I've been naive thinking I could have meant a nice guy and just … I don't know. He clearly didn't care much about me, I thought he liked me, he just thought I was "hot"._

_I'm fine, don't worry mom, I'm really ok but ... I hate that he is right, I was just so naive. I think I didn't tell you but he is a bit older, he wasn't at the student party because he was studying at the university, he went with the band, they had played a bit, but ... it was after I had left with Lizzie (we hadn't stay THAT late) whatever ... I was stupid ! I can't believe I went straight from not trusting anyone, to this naive ... _

_I won't tell Lizzie. She'd either make fun of me (at least before your … death ... she would have, now she is … different) or take pity of me, and I would hate it either way !_

_Note to self : NEVER TRUST A GUY SO EASILY EVER AGAIN_

_..._

_..._

_I can't help but think that you would have warned me ... I have to learn to live without your advices, and that is ... so hard ! But ... I don't really have a choice do I ?_

_Don't worry, I'll be fine. I love you Mom._

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**AN : I didn't want him so stick around too long ! I'm mean to Cat, poor thing, I'm not really helping her be happy ... Sorry … But … we know her taste for bad boy and her trust issues … so just trying to find a way to explain it somehow ...**

**But tell me what you think, I'm curious ! I just love reviews.**


	9. Chapter 9

_**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**_

**AN :… I was surprised by your comments actually … do you guys really hate Lizzie ? :(**

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_Dear mom,_

_IT's been a few days since that stupid date. Well I would not call that a date. I think I somehow I just buried myself in more work. I spent most of my nights at the library or the gym. But last night Lizzie called._

_I was kind of … cold (I was going to write something else, but I wouldn't have told you that this way!) I said I was too busy and I was ! I was on my way to the gym I had promised Bryan that I'd help for his self defense class, he had a group of new students. So I just quickly told her I had no time and hang up on her …_

_And then when I came home it was already late, and she called again. She asked if I was home and I told her I was but that I wasn't in the mood to go out and just … well almost hang up on her again._

_Next thing I know she is knocking on my door with a bottle of white wine (she doesn't like the red one) and some chocolate and a bucket of vanilla ice cream … and some weird forced smile on her face. Almost like "Sorry I know you said you were in a mood but i'm here it's too late you can't say no" and … well yeah I couldn't really say no ..._

_I really had not expect that. _

_Oh and she had a dvd … Pretty Woman … _

_She said that she could hear on the phone that I was upset, and that she did not know why, and that maybe I wouldn't want to talk about it but that she was here to cheer me up. And holding the wine, the food and the dvd she said that she had guns for that. And man she did. Really could send her back, her plan was working !_

…

_We watched the movie, we ate, we drank, we laugh and she actually even stayed for the night. We talked for hours in the dark lying on my bed (I really didn't sleep much last night) just like teens having a sleepover._

_I didn't tell her about why I was upset. And though she asked she didn't insist when I didn't answer. I guess … I'm not really ready to talk about it I still kinda feel stupid about that ... Maybe I'll never tell her. _

_But this evening was really great. We talked about plenty of things … Boys a lot ! I wasn't surprised about that ! And her family too, her parents are fighting a lot. (When she started talking about it I felt like she regretted and wasn't sure she could talk about this to ma and … well … complain about it since … I don't have you anymore. But I told her it was ok, and it is.)_

_And I told her about the academy, and about Bryan … I had mentioned him a couple of time already but not that much. I think she wants to try to take his classes. Something happened on campus. Some guys tried to rape a girl, and well she got lucky some people arrived and scared off her attacker, but it probably made a lot of girls on campus think about all that. (Ugh … I don't want to worry you mom …. doing that thing again). Anyway, she told me about that, even if she didn't know the girl but I had actually read about it in the papers and so did dad, and … he told me to be careful and all, well you know how he can be. So all this to say I might introduce her to Bryan. _

_..._

_Today I was exhausted, lack of sleep and I might have had too much chocolate last night … and wine … but I had missed spending that kind of quality time with Lizzie. Since I've been at the academy we haven't been able to do that !_

_It was really nice, we need to do that more often._

… _I love you mom …_

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**A/N : Might seem I'm trying to make you like Liz, but … seriously wanted that to happen =} Cat needs a friend right ?**

**I'm curious if the previous entry had made you dislike Lizzie, why ? Why would you not like her ? Really curious because when I decided to create the character I really thought you guys would like her !**

**Please Review !**


	10. Chapter 10

_**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**_

**A/N : Sorry for the delay, I was so focused on Against the World (the next few chapters are so hard to write lol)**

* * *

_Dear Mom … _

_Today I went with Lizzie for her first lesson in self defense … Man that was funny ! At least she tried … _

_I knew she was not much into sport and all, but … Well that was really funny ! As some sort of apologies for laughing (I did my best not to but she was too adorable !) I paid her a coffee and muffin. She said something about deserving the muffin after all the calories she had lost trying desperately to follow Bryan's instructions.(I didn't remind her of the ice cream and chocolate we had had a couple of nights ago...)_

_I don't think she was offended, she is perfectly aware that she was …. not good … AT ALL !_

_But eh ! That was only the first lesson, she'll get better soon. Ahah ! She kept asking to take breaks and … well I haven't told you much about Bryan, but with him … it's kind of military, the sessions are quite intense. But she saw what I could do and was pretty impressed and when I told her she could do that too if she worked hard, I guess it was some motivation not to quit right away. I'll try to go with her next week too !_

_I haven't told her, but … My first class with him I wasn't much better than she was. But she doesn't need to know that ! _

…

_I can't really write more I have to go, dad asked me to come for dinner, apparently Heather misses me, I have to admit I haven't been spending much time with her and I miss her too._

_I got to run there, love you …_

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**A/N : If I were to take classes like that … I'd probably be ridiculous like Lizzie LOL !**

**Trying to put some happy moments =}**


	11. Chapter 11

_**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**_

* * *

_Dear Mom,_

_So ... last night I was at dad's for dinner._

_I don't know what happens that we cannot talk. Well, we do talk, and ... quite a lot, but ... not about important things. I told him about Lizzie taking self defense course with me, or about the last book I read but ..._

_I didn't tell him about the fact that I woke up in sweat the other night because of a nightmare. Now that I think of it I didn't tell you either._

_What I mean is that, our conversation are really ... shallow. And with Heather it's even worse. I want to be close to her, I miss her, but ... being there talking about shopping and boys and ... I can't do it. I couldn't tell her about that ... idiot (let's say that, even though it's definetely not the word that came to my mind !). Because ... I don't even know why. How is that I cannot talk to the people I love about things that are important. I need to talk about that, about being scared to go to bed because I'm afraid I'm going to have nightmares ... but I can't. It's like the words are stucks._

_So the meal ended up being some ... it looked like a family dinner in a commercial on TV ... well exept that there was no mother obviously. But really, large smiles, silly conversations ... and it looked fake. I can tell that Heather's smile is not fake though, she really is happy. She has fun with her friends and all, she just burried deep the pain. But dad didn't. I can read on his face, everytime he doesn't know I'm looking, I see the pain, the despair in his eyes. And I'm probably the same. I have this mask on, and I only take it off when nobody watches me._

_Yet neither him nor me manage to talk about that. No matter how much we need it, no matter how much we know we do._

_Tomorrow I have another appointment with the shrink ... and I know I'll be silent most of the time. Well, he does manage to make me talk from time to time but ... sometime I just feel silly. The nightmares are so ... repetitives and ... why should I tell about it AGAIN ..._

_And that family dinner, I don't know if I really want to hear what he has to say about it. Or maybe I'm just afraid he'd go tell dad to talk with me. Because no matter how much I need to talk with him, and sort of want to ... I also don't want at the same time._

_I know this doesn't make sense, and .. I'm not sure I understand it myself, but I just ... I can't ... because it hurts too much. _

_Maybe I'm too scared to find out how much pain dad is in ... or ... I don't even know ... but ..._

_I'll see if I talk or not._

_Should I write about the nightmare ? I don't really have time. I just came back from an early run and I still have to take a shower before going to the academy ... I 'll write later tonight I guess._

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**A/N : This came out lol ! I can relate to that, maybe that's why I wrote it ! … **

**What do you think ? **


	12. Chapter 12

_**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**_

* * *

_So … I said I'd write about the nightmare._

_Most of my nightmares, I'm actually reliving that night. But … the other night it was different._

_Where do I even start ? I already had this one a couple of time, but it had been a while. And … Well I had a hard time falling asleep that night, and around 2am I finally managed to sleep. Probably because I was too exhausted … I don't know._

_Anyway. It was weird. I was in the dark, I could barely see anything, and my head was spinning … I could hear myself begging them not to kill me, the words were echoing in my head. And at some point I think I saw them … more like their frames, I don't think I saw their faces. And I saw a gun, I heard it. I felt a pain in my chest as if I had been actually shot ! Well .. that's how I imagine it would be since, … well._

_I don't want to describe it further. It's … painful._

_The worse part was that I couldn't wake up, I tried so hard to wake up, I wanted to run but I couldn't move it was horrible. And when I was feeling that pain … then … then only I woke up._

_My god … I was in sweat and it was around 5am and I was alone in my apartment and so scared. I could hardly breath and I think my entire body was shaking. And herb tea is not a magical solution. I didn't not manage to go to sleep again that night. Needless to say the day was quite exhausting, especially since I went to the gym with Lizzie and then at Dad's and all ..._

_He wanted me to stay over, but … I didn't know what was worse, being alone when I have such a nightmare, or having dad around ? So I just went home, and I arrived quite late. But … this was a peaceful night. I haven't had any nightmares this time._

_I don't understand why I had this one again, I don't believe I had it in over a year. And … I kept hoping that this beast would show up and … and … kill them. I wanted that beast to come and save me, and it never came. This is why this is the worse of all nightmares that I can have, because it doesn't come. Whenever he … it is there then I calm down and if I do wake up, then I manage to go sleep again. But … when he doesn't then I can't. I simply can't sleep anymore._

_So I read a book, I cleaned the apartment, I ironed the pile of clothes that had been waiting for over a week, anything to keep me distracted. And all day long I kept drinking coffee so I wouldn't fall asleep._

_Last night I didn't have a nightmare, but … I woke up before my alarm clock, and I just thought a run would help me clear my mind. So now it's like 7pm and I'm exhausted. I should get some sleep, and … tomorrow I'll tell the shrink about that nightmare. I had never mention this one to him, so I guess it's not repetitive. And who knows, maybe HE can help._

_Good night mom._

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**AN : Progressively it becomes natural for Cat to share in that notebook. I think she needed to share the silly stuffs (like her moments with Lizzie) and that now she is more open, especially since she realised how much she needs to talk yet cannot do that with her father. **

**So what do you think ?**


	13. Chapter 13

_**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**_

_Dear Mom,_

_So yesterday I went to see the shrink ..._

_He said something about that beast being a product of my imagination to explain my luck. He thinks that I wasn't conscious when they two men were killed and that when I came back to my senses i had to imagine something to explain why i had survived. And that this beast became some sort of symbol and that it's because of that that I feel better in my nightmares when I see him._

_Well ... His speech was much longer, I have to be honest, I didn't really listen to everything. I knew I wouldn't like what he would have to say. I hate it when people say it's not real. I ... I don't know why but I feel like this is not my imagination, not matter how surreal it seems._

_Anyway ..._

_I called Lizzie, we are going to have a few drinks and maybe watch a movie or something. I told her I needed a girl night, and apparently she does too. So i'll stay at her place tonight. _

_I miss you so much._

**A/N : Sorry for the late update. **


	14. Chapter 14

_**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**_

_Dear Mom,_

_So last night was girls' night !_

_Lizzie told me about a guy at the university she has a crush on and yeah they dated briefly, or so she thought but she caught him with another girl. I won't give details, but let's just say she was quite mad at him and she was also mad at herself … ring a bell ? Yeah totally ! _

_Hearing her story ... I decided to share what had happened with the band guy that other time. So we spent the evening complaining about men and all._

_We had mojitos, and when guys came to talk to us at the bar we laughed at them and just went back to her place. There we continued to say all the bad we though of men while eating some ice cream and we also tried to watch a movie, but we were more focused on chatting._

_(note to self, eat less ice cream during those girls' night, especially if they become more frequent !)_

_And I spent the night at her place, and that was really cool._

_No nightmares !_

_And It felt good to finally share about that idiot of a guy, cause even if I didn't want to admit it to myself I was still quite affected by this. Now ... Well ... I'm still mad at him, and myself, but a little less. The shrink is right, sharing is important. It's just not so easy. I don't know why I didn't talk to Lizzie before, I just ... I always expect the worse. Well ... she did say I was naive ... but so was she with her guy ! So whatever ... I know that neither of us mean bad when we say that to each other. I should know, she is my friend. After you died she was the only one I truly kept in touch with. I mean ... Since I left to go become a cop and all, and yeah it's not easy to keep in touch I guess. But most people got tired of the depressed girl I guess. Only Lizzie is there for me now. And I'm not easy with her, I pushed her away so much, but ... I'm thankful for her._

.

.

_Ok I should do some cleaning around here, so ... until another time. Love you mom._

**AN … So … ? Hope you like it !**


	15. Chapter 15

_**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**_

**A/N : RuthCassidy thank you very much, I'm so glad to read that =}**

**BTW, sorry it took me that long to update :(**

_I don't understand. _

_I had the weirdest dream. I ... I just woke up, it's 6am and ... I have images in my head of that dream. But it's ... it's fading away._

_I saw myself cleaning your office back home. You desk, the photo frame with that picture of Heather and I when she was just a baby, all your books that I would come to steal for a night or two ... That was so vivid. Like I was really here. Expect ... it was dusty, like nobody had been there for over a year ... well ... And I was there, dusting and all. _

_Really it's weird to dream of that, isn't it ?_

_Maybe it's because I did some cleaning here last night before bed, I don't know ..._

_I have to get some breakfast, so ... I ... maybe I'll ask the shrink. Though ... _

_Or maybe I should go home, see that room for myself. I know dad didn't touch it. Maybe, maybe I need to go there, ... I could borrow a book or two, I don't know._


	16. Chapter 16

_**DISCLAMER, i do not own Beauty and the Beast of course, this is just a work of fiction based on the characters and the show.**_

_**A/N : **_**So … people asked me what that dream was about … if you have an idea do tell me … I had that dream about my dead grand-parents' house and I felt like it something she could have dream about too. Missing her mother and all.**

**Here comes a longer entry, hope you'll like.**

_Dear Mom,_

_It's been weeks since that weird dream, since I wrote in here._

_Today is Sunday, and yesterday I went to dad's, I went to your office back home, finally. It took me a while to make that decision and to actually go for it._

_Dad had a seminar or whatever, I knew he would leave for the weekend, I don't remember exactly what he said the precise reason was, and Heather was spending the afternoon and the night at a friend's, so I was all alone. It was just the perfect occasion._

_I don't think I slept much, I actually didn't really check the time. I arrived just when dad was supposed to leave, and I made myself dinner, quickly._

_And then I sat in the living room, gathering the strength to go upstairs in that office of yours. But I did go. And once I was there I couldn't leave anymore. Well ... not literally, I actually came downstairs to get some product and stuff to clean._

_And for hours I dusted, I cleaned, I put back where they belonged the few books that were out on the desk. And then I just ... I just sat in your chair, looking around, remembering times I would come here interrupting you in your work. Time I would sit on your lap and you would read me a story from one of those books, time Heather and I would sneak in to grab a book so I could read her one story. And I smiled at myself at the memories, I am smiling again now, remembering that as I'm writing._

_But the room feels empty, empty because the desk is not full of papers you are working on, empty because Dad took away all your work stuff, leaving only the books on the shelves and that horrible lamp you love so much and some pencil and random stuff ... but mostly empty because you are not sitting on that chair busy doing whatever research ..._

_I MISS YOU SO MUCH._

_I think I cried ..._

_I think I sat on the floor in a corner and read a book, one I read already a million time when I was little, one I had even forgotten was here ..._

_I have no idea how long I stayed in that room. But at some point I went to bed in my old room. And... I had already set the alarm, so at 7am I woke up, still quite tired, had a quick breakfast and left ... with that book in my bag ... I'll read it again tonight, ... The Mysterious Island ... Jules Verne ... I remember you told me what a genius this man was, and you have all his books in a very beautiful and old french edition. I'll put this one back next time, but for now ... I need to reread it, AGAIN ... even after reading it last night._

_Tomorrow will be a long day for me ... and I'll soon have to see the shrink again. And I know him enough now to know he will manage to make me talk about this weekend ... _

_Anyway, I just had lunch, I think I might go out for a run, and today I'll try out a recipe of yours that I found in the kitchen back home ... We'll see if I manage, I'm not good at cooking ..._

_I love you so much, and I miss you, still so much ..._

**A/N : So ? How do you feel about that ?**


End file.
